Monday, April 7, 2014

We Need to Talk.

We need to talk. We really do.

No, you aren't in trouble. We need to talk is scary. Don't those words just make your stomach churn? Like some adult authority figure has discovered the fact that you did the thing.... The thing you were under no circumstances supposed to do? Yeah. I probably should have said, "Hey, can we chat?" Chat is nice. Chat is friendly. Chat means they didn't find out about the plate you broke.

So let's chat.

I've been gone a while. Well, I've been gone for....a few weeks? Heh. Yeah.

In my absence, my real life has been changing more rapidly than you can say "wireless access point." I've been thinking a lot about my life in general and my choices and how I spend my time and blah blah blah adult chores. I've come to two realizations:

1. I'm having a baby in 4.5 months.
2. No matter how clever you are at planning, if it's not God's will, it's ain't gonna happen.



While obvious, these two things alone have driven me to inspect various areas of my personal life with a new lens. I won't bore you with a weird tale of self discovery or emotional breakdowns, but I will fill you in on how my view on my blog has changed.

One of my long-distance crafty buddies had mentioned to me a week or so ago via la texting that she could tell I was super busy, since I hadn't updated my blog in so long. It suddenly struck me that I was busy, but not that busy. I mean, I was busy before and I still managed to churn out several blog posts a week. I then, staring blankly at her text, began to think about why I hadn't been posing things on my blog? Really, why hadn't I?! Things have happened! I've been crafty! I could share stuff!

So....why not post?

Every time I logged on to blogger to start a post, I felt drained. I know, I'm pregnant. Tired is my day to day life. This tired was more a mental tired than anything. Doing a blog post meant making sure I update Facebook and Google+ and put all the fancy tag words in it and posting it to link parties and Pinterest and watching page views and numbers climb and drop and and and -sigh- nope, I'd rather watch Netflix. And knit. Or scrub toilets. Anything but blog.

I took a break, because I was looking at blogging the wrong way. I was comparing myself to big-name bloggers who have bazillions of pageviews a day. The ones that companies beg to write reviews of their products. The ones whose projects show up on thousands of Pinterest boards instantly. The ones who make moolah off of their blog. I had started to idolize them. To study their habits, and their tips on the best way to be seen, develop a following, and create great content...while making money doing it.

This is my personal opinion. I am not hateful of the peeps who have mad blog-money-making skillz. That is great for them, for their families, and whatnot. I do not think that any blogger who reaps money from their blog is a sell out, or evil, or anything like that. For me, however, the blogs I love to read and the ones I follow most closely, are not the big-name mega blog queens. They are people who share interests with me. People who inspire me with their creative outpourings and silly tidbits on life. People who answer my comments and who I feel I can develop a real relationship with, albeit online.

It all dawned on me with that one text. Why was I writing a blog that I hoped would become a big blog, instead of focusing on being the type of writer that I would love to read? Why was I feeling angst about not having thousands of page views a day instead of relishing the people who did take the time to read my nerdiness? It was crazy, I tell you, crazy. And incredibly selfish. And it made me avoid writing on my own blog. Well, no more, I say!

I am not going to monetize this blog. Though the thought still delights me, it was kind of the reason I started to hate what I was doing. Again, I am not writing this to try and bash on people who write sponsored content. If you can make money off your blog, good for you! I don't hate you or think what you are doing is dumb. I just hate how I felt when I realized the reason I was avoiding my own blog was because I wasn't having fun writing it when the goal at the back of my mind was "more pageviews" and "someday making money off my blog."

So how is this new direction going to change things? Really, the biggest changes are going to be behind the scenes things. Mostly things that happen up in my brain. The result will be more frequent posts and more sassy commentary. And more belly pictures. Because I love my belly and I don't care who hates belly pictures. Sorry I'm not sorry?

16 weeks (aka 3.5 weeks ago)
So, three cheers for having a silly outlet for your crafty musings! Three cheers for being true to yourself! Three cheers for probably overthinking this entire thing, but not caring!

Has anyone else been feeling similar angst? It would be nice to know I'm not alone on this crazy train of thought.